A Poem to Comment On

this is a poem that i wrote several days ago.  i am pleased with the rythm and the flow of words, but it seems to me like it needs something.  and i can’t figure out what.  so, here is your chance to comment…i need suggestions, please!

~

Not a Trace

~

This Beauty of Yours, it sings in the sky

Of the beauty of Love and the beauty of my

Salvation, which really is only Your grace

Making me worthy to look on Your face.

~

This Fire of Yours, the heat and the hurt

Burning away my dross and my dirt –

Send down this Fire and help me stay true,

Until I am not, and what is, is You

~

So teach me to sing my joy to the rain;

And teach me to glory in spite of the pain;

Teach me to glow with You in my face;

And of my own heart, Lord, leave not a trace.

~

This Love of Yours, my only plea;

Not what I looked for, but all that I need.

Not what I wanted, but what I must take;

By the grace of Your will, and for Your Son’s sake.

~

This Beauty of Yours, it shines with the light

Of True Love, the beauty of which is so bright

That no eye but Yours can truly bear

To look full on that Love which You freely share

~

So teach me to sing my joy to the rain;

And teach me to glory in spite of the pain;

Teach me to glow with You in my face;

And of my own heart, Lord, leave not a trace.

~

This Fire of Yours, these masterful flames

Take hold of my heart with Your burning aims;

And never a fractional moment am I

Held for too long in the flame of Your eye.

~

This Love of Yours, I can’t comprehend,

But gratefully, helplessly watch Your hands mend

My dead, broken heart full of anguish and shame

Into a live sacrifice unto Your name.

~

So teach me to sing my joy to the rain;

And teach me to glory in spite of the pain;

Teach me to glow with You in my face;

And of my own heart, Lord, leave not a trace.

Advertisements

5 Comments Add yours

  1. mekame31 says:

    Hey Carreen! Since you mentioned this poem in class yesterday, I came on over to take a look. This is a truly beautiful poem. I love your word pictures! And the rhythm of the lines is lovely to read. I don’t want to offer suggestions right now because I don’t have time to look it through properly. I’ll be back, though. Just out of curiosity, how in-depth of suggestions do you want?

    1. carreena says:

      Thanks for dropping by! I’ll take as in-depth as you feel comfortable giving. I don’t expect you to completely analyze it for me (though I wouldn’t mind in the least if you did), just whatever sticks out to you the most. I think you’ve got a real talent for good poetry, so I would appreciate anything you feel ok suggesting.

  2. mekame31 says:

    Well, this is a fantastic poem. I really love it. I love the phrases and imagery you use, as well as the flow and rhythm. I also am impressed by how much meaning you can pack into just a few words or lines. In my opinion (and I’m no expert =)) I think the best stanzas are 2 (great last line), 4 (great pattern in middle two lines), 7 (amazing last two lines), and 8 (I like the “gratefully, helplessly” part). The “chorus”–or however you think of it–is also a great touch, though they’re not my favorite lines of the poem. If I were doing this, I might even do something like grab one or two of your best lines (like “Until I am not, and what is, is You” or “And never a fractional moment am I/Held for too long in the flame of your eye” or “Not what I looked for, but all that I need”) and turn that into the reapeated, italicized part of the poem. It doesn’t even need to be four lines. And then you could take the verse that is currently in italics and just use it as another “normal” verse.
    The other thing I might say is that it seems like there are a few “dead spots” in this poem–I mean, places that either seem like you’re saying the same thing over again or that just seem like fillers. I think you could pull out whole stanzas (maybe #5, though it’s nice) or you could take the best parts of two stanzas and combine them to make one better stanza and throw out the extra lines. Just an idea. All that to say, I think you could compact it.
    Does any of that make sense? It’s all stuff to do with structure–I really think your word choices are flawless most of the time. Honestly, it’s amazing the way it is. If I hadn’t been reading it looking for suggestions, I wouldn’t have noticed anything “wrong” about it. You could keep it the way it is and still have a great poem.
    Comment if you have any thoughts =)…

    1. carreena says:

      Thank you so much for all your time and input, Megan. Don’t worry, it all makes very good sense. =) I agree with you concerning “dead spots” and condense-ability…

      Definitely some good stuff to ponder. Again, thanks for your input. I really appreciate your honest analyzation, and the time it took to put it together. Hopefully, when I get time =) I’ll tinker around with that poem and post the new-and-improved, so you can see the final product.

  3. mekame31 says:

    P.S. thanks for kind words about my poetry. If you ever have any suggestions for me, I’d be glad to hear them. I think you’re really talanted as well. =)

write on a balloon...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s